So I'm trying to write a story, come critizise it.

[SOLANUM]

lol title spelling fail

 

It's an outline, not a full story. Remember that.

 

Inspiration comes from the band Whitechapel's album This Is Exile. I'm writing a different part and backround for every song, which I'll post with each part so it will make more sense.

 

Looking at it now, it's more of a backstory to the album than an orginal story, I think thats what i'll go for now. Might call it 'Of Legions' if it's ever finished.

 

 

Before you read this, keep in mind that I havn't proof read most of it and the grammar will be terrible

 

A well respected priest (Daniel McVey) in rual Iowa is contacted by God and told if he did not do as he was told, his soul would be banished from Heaven and damned to Hell. McVey is told that he must hunt and kill as instructed.

 

The priest goes on a 2 year killing spree, murding 18 women and avioding capture for nearly a year

afterword. Since killing his final victim, the whispers have stopped.

 

Eventually captured by Iowa authorities as a suspect, McVey sits in a holding sell for almost 48 hours.

Here, the whispers begin again, but of another voice. He comes to realise that he's being spoken to by

Satan himself. McVey is told he must kill again as Satan commands or he will be damned to an exsitance

worse than he can imagine. However, he tells McVey to be cautious. If he is discovered to be behind

the murders and is captured, he would suffer the same fate as if he had never killed at all.

 

Daniel McVey is released from custudy due to the evidence of his involvment in the murders being

circumstantial. He quickly searches for new victims, fearing Satan's promise to him.

 

Daniel kills twice more, again; both of them are women, but is caught leaving the scene of the 2nd and is arrested and

charged with the murder of 9 known women and suspected of 2 more and is put in prison on death row.

Satan's promise lingers in his mind.

 

Unbeknownst to Daniel, Satan had much bigger plans than he first led him to believe.

Daniel was to become the father of the antichrist, the being God first trying to prevent from ever

existing.

Inspiraton for this part came from the song "Father Of Lies".http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8L_4sbDI9ig

 

Lyrics that gave inspiration -

"Tell me all the things you want, I shall prove myself among the wise

I have failed you!

Grant my wish I beg of thee for I have done all the deeds you have asked of me.

That whimpering wretched whore that birthed your adversary

I retrieves her head and mutilated every last remain

The blood of the inocent I have spread WITH NO FUCKING REMORSE"

 

and

 

The line "My procreator I have warned thee of my prophecy" for Satan's warning to Daniel.

 

 

 

Part 2 -

6 years before his execution, due to overpopulation of Amrican prisons, Daniel McVey is transfered

a prison in Europe. Satan loses his grasp on McVey as he moves out of his range of control.

 

(It's during this time the religous terror group Al Qaeda declares "Holy War" on China and one by

one the powers of the world take sides and join the fight, slowly growing into World War III. Casualties are higher than any military conflict

recorded before it.)

 

Because of so many souls passing into Hell at once and so little vacancy, Hell actually begins to overflow.

Damned souls are forced to wander Earth in search of physical beings to inherit for themselves.

The easiest targets for this are the already dead and soon, zombie-like creatures are walking the Earth

and Humans are oblivious to the cause.

 

Satan contacts Human kind and tells the race that the exile of damned souls from Hell is the cause of their

constant warring and self destruction and is threatend with extiction if it continued.

 

This warning is ignored and the war carries on for more than 4 years. The lost souls, new and old have been

segregated, placed on special island's far offshore all around the world and left to fend for themselves.

 

Satan's patients is worn and begins to devise a plan for humanities extinction.

Speaking for all lost souls and for himself,Humanity is again contacted in a last attemped to come to an

agreement and again, humanity refuses to change their ways.

 

Satan leaves them with a subtle but ominous warning:

 

"THIS WORLD IS OURS AND YOU'RE TOTALLY FUCKING DEAD"

^Listen to the song and the last line will make more sense.

 

Anyway, inspiration comes from the song This Is Exile.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rI0P_G4zMxw

 

Inspirational lyrics -

"THIS IS EXILE! We are the walking scum

"THIS IS EXILE!" You are the sacrifice

And it was said, blasphemy will now stand

They walk the earth

THIS IS FUCKING EXILE"

 

and "THIS WORLD IS OURS"

 

 

 

Edit - Re-reading it now, it's pretty damn out there. Feel to free to pick apart political and biblical inconsistencies in any of the parts.

 

Edit #2 - Added part two, you should really listen to This Is Exile if you read part two already, the song has alot more to do with the story than the last one. Also, this may never be finished. I'll likely keep writing outlines but if I can't find someone willing to help me writing dialogue and other things it'll no go past just writing the outlines for entertainment. If anyone wants to volunteer you're welcome to do so. Part three will be posted sometime in the next 2 days.

[PotshotPolka]

You spelled criticize wrong.

 

This for an English paper?

[Bob Loblaw]

It's not bad, but more explanation on a lot of things would be better. Like how he managed to not get caught and stuff. And maybe go a little more in depth with his Skitzophrenia. It's pretty good though.

[Dr.Cheef]

I thought it was pretty good besides a couple of spelling errors

[delirium]

"6 years before his execution, due to overpopulation of Amrican prisons, Daniel McVey is transfered

a prison in Europe. Satan loses his grasp on McVey as he moves out of his range of control."

 

So you are saying that america is the cess pool of evil?