Fuck our healthcare system

[Lux]

Let's see what I can remember.

 

Collin - Hung himself. Me and a friend found him while looking for a neighbor's cat.

Scott - Shot himself

Scott's neighbor that taught me to repel down trees and shit, OD'd on something.

Bo - I think he shot himself or drove his car off a cliff, I don't remember.

Rhonda - Not exactly suicide, but her mother went nuts and shot her and then herself.

Sal - Not suicide, but died of cystic fibrosis, was a close friend. It was also the first time I ever went to a wake. First time seeing a dead body. It was in high school sometime.

 

I know there are more, but I can't remember them. My mom used to read the obituaries and tell me about high school and middle school friends that either died or committed suicide. I told her to stop.

 

Is it a sort of thing where it's rubbed off on each other or just coincidence? I'm sure you're not the only one who've known so many people who's committed suicide, it just seems awfully.......weird?

 

I have a habit of burying bad memories so much that it's difficult to remember them. My high school years were pure torture, being as I didn't hit puberty until about 16 or 17. I was a runt.

 

A friend recently sent me a message on Facebook asking if I was going to go to a reunion they were putting together, I said no because high school was miserable for me.

 

It was a mixed bag for me. I had close friends and I was fine with that, but I was bully bait (probably as I had low self esteem...although this is going back so many years that I don't even know why I had it) even though I could take care of myself in fights. As you said, maybe it's not healthy to bury them...but I've been fine just leaving the shit memories aside and getting on with life. I'm a forgiving person...even if some would think I shouldn't forgive people judging on what they've done it's a good way to get over it.

 

Someone asked me too (about a reunion), and I said sure even though I'm not really a party sort of guy (as in those typical dance floor ones)....I've seen people who I wasn't exactly friends with years later and just talked and it was like none of that shit from high school ever happened. I'm not saying you have to go, but high school drama doesn't usually last once high school is over....all depends on how much you want it though.....I also no nothing about what happened at your high school, and I'm sure people have had worse times than me.

[ColdWar]

When I was taking myself off of them, without doctor consent, I was weening my way down. Instead of taking 100mg a day, I would take 75mg. I did that for about a week and then went to 50mg. Then the incident happened and the rest is history. Believe me, I want to quit taking the meds, too, but I doubt I can. I never initially took them for depression as I was in my final years of college, girlfriend was up there, classes were good, and all was well. I took them because I had noticeable mood swings. Not sure if it's bi-polar or not, but I'd sometimes wake up angry for no reason or very irritable. Other times I'd wake up and feel like doing nothing. I knew this wasn't right and my girlfriend noticed this as well. So, I went to a doctor and told them the story. They said that Zoloft would help balance out my mood and keep me on an even keel, which it did.

 

Then I started forgetting to take them, I usually take them at night before bed. Missing 1 dose made me feel absolutely horrible. Dizzy, light headed, tired, clumsy, nauseous, and the likes. It's difficult to explain. The effects worsened when I went on a weekend vacation home and forgot them. 3 days without taking them and I was in pure hell. I had to go to a local doctor to just give me a temp dose of 4 pills.

 

The sad part is, I just visited my doctor today and didn't even bring up getting off of them. I completely forgot. All I wanted to do was get my refill and get out since I only have about a week left and I'm moving next week. I was too worried to talk about anything else. I asked if there were any alternatives to my SSRI and he suggested Cymbalta, but it's more expensive and there is no generic available (remember, I have no insurance at the moment).

 

Anyway, I think that sums up this rendition of my wall-o-text feature.

 

i dont think i ever missed a dose. sounds like the effects of trying to ween off too quickly but only worse. its like when you're weening off too fast, all of the symptoms that first caused you to take the medicine are at the worst you've ever felt them. i can't imagine going 3 full days in a row without! geez.

 

IMO, these meds really kind of mask the problem. they sort of provide breathing room so someone can think clearly about why they are feeling off. do you go to a gym or get some kind of regular excercise? sometimes changing to a healthier diet and/or adding excercise can help these things. have you considered counseling too? i cringe at the idea of it, but maybe some day ill end up trying it. although like you said, you dont have insurance at the moment, so that could be expensive.

 

good luck getting insured. i was recently denied health coverage by a company that my family has been with forever solely because i took an SSRI for a short while. I even assured them on the application and over the phone that i wouldn't be seeking further treatment or anything and still got denied

 

btw not trying to sound like a mother or a know it all, just trying to suggest some things that ive read/tried.

[TheVirus]

Is it a sort of thing where it's rubbed off on each other or just coincidence? I'm sure you're not the only one who've known so many people who's committed suicide, it just seems awfully.......weird?

 

These all happened years and years apart. Rhonda happened in middle school and Bo and Scott happened after I graduated high school. We didn't live in a shit neighborhood, most would classify it as middle to upper class. Everyone's just fucked up in their own way, I guess. I was hit pretty hard by Collin's death, though.

 

 

It was a mixed bag for me. I had close friends and I was fine with that, but I was bully bait (probably as I had low self esteem...although this is going back so many years that I don't even know why I had it) even though I could take care of myself in fights. As you said, maybe it's not healthy to bury them...but I've been fine just leaving the shit memories aside and getting on with life. I'm a forgiving person...even if some would think I shouldn't forgive people judging on what they've done it's a good way to get over it.

 

Someone asked me too (about a reunion), and I said sure even though I'm not really a party sort of guy (as in those typical dance floor ones)....I've seen people who I wasn't exactly friends with years later and just talked and it was like none of that shit from high school ever happened. I'm not saying you have to go, but high school drama doesn't usually last once high school is over....all depends on how much you want it though.....I also no nothing about what happened at your high school, and I'm sure people have had worse times than me.

 

The problem for me is that I don't forgive and forget. I may not remember what exactly transpired in school, but I remember people making my life miserable. Going to a reunion and having them gloss over it as if it was nothing is an insult. They had a negative impact on my life and have definitely changed my outlook. Schools never deal with bullies and it's a shame. If my kid is ever bullied, you bet your sweet ass that I'll contact the school and the other kid's parents. If physical abuse was involved then a lawsuit will follow. I don't need my kids having the same fucked up outlook on life as I do.

 

There are many people from school that I haven't spoken with in decades. I would have considered them good friends back then, too, they just decided to be dicks and fuck with me and my family. I'll never forgive those people for what they put me through. It affected me to the point where if I needed a transplant or transfusion and one of them was the only donor, I would deny it. I couldn't live with myself knowing that those people, whom tormented me with no remorse, are a part of my body.

 

You hear stories on the news about bullies and kids fighting back, but I couldn't. I was 4ft nothing back then and when you have 3 taller kids trying to shove your head in a toilet filled with piss and shit, there's not much you can do besides scream. Teacher came in, stopped them, and nothing happened. No punishment. 'Boys will be boys.'

 

Some of the shit I went through in school was borderline torture. I don't remember it, thankfully, I just remember being miserable and did my best to avoid certain people at all costs. How would you feel if you were in wrestling in high school and some Arnold Schwarzenegger lookalike slapped his horse cock on the back of your head? Yeah, I told the coach about it and he kicked him off the team and then things got worse.

 

High school. Good times.