Jokes!

[matt 187]

You spelled "busy" and "forty" wrong, idiot.

 

My joke: Three construction men, all sitting on a beam eating lunch. The first one (the Asian) says, "If my wife packs me sushi one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." The second one (the Mexican) says, "Yea, if my wife packs me tacos one more time, I'm going to jump off, too." The third guy (the American) stands up and says, "If my wife packs me PB&J one more time, I'm going to jump off, as well!" So, the next day, the Asian guy gets sushi and jumps. The Mexican also gets the same thing and jumps. The American opens his lunch, sees the sandwich, and jumps.

Later that day, the three wives are standing together at the funeral. The first and second guys' wives ask the third guy's wife why she isn't crying or upset, and she responds, "That dumbass packed his own lunch every day. He even packed himself Ham and Cheese today."

 

i find the mexican one realy mean >: ( lmao

[Riggs]

By the way, my joke had no intended racism. The difference in race was purely for story purposes. I'm not trying to categorize or anything.

[contempt]

By the way, my joke had no intended racism. The difference in race was purely for story purposes. I'm not trying to categorize or anything.

 

Unlike SD's joke, yours was OK.

 

contempt

[SDtielvdeo]

Personally, a Racist joke is fine if its not really intended to be racist.... Just a funny joke... ah well. I mean if people actually get offended so easily... why the hell are you in this thread

[matt 187]

i dont realy care:cool: cuz im cool like that and mostly i dont give a fuck...

 

i make joke's about everything and anything jew's blacks mexican's white's yag's i dont realy care it's all good

[contempt]

Are you fully aware of the meaning of the word "racist," SD? Racist jokes are never fine and, IMO, shouldn't be posted here. Granted, some are hilarious and, tho the book I'm quoting from does contain gobs of such jokes, hence the title, I won't post 'em here. Also, if need be, I will edit/modify every joke I post here and would like to thank Jack for editting SD's joke at this point.

 

On with the jokes now!

Here's one from me:

 

176 {censored}

It was a perfect summer's day, and a guy was driving along the highway to a

scenic lake where he intended spending the afternoon fishing. About an hour

from his destination, he spotted a man dressed from head to toe in red

standing by the side of the highway and gesturing him to stop. The fisherman

pulled over, wound down his window and asked: 'How can I help you?'

'I am the red a**hole of the asphalt,' replied the man in red. 'You got

anything to eat?'

Blessed with a generous spirit on such a beautiful day, the fisherman

handed the man one of his sandwiches before resuming his journey.

A few miles down the road, he noticed a man dressed all in yellow

standing by the side of the road and beckoning him to stop. Mildly irritated

by a second interruption to his progress, the fisherman called out: 'What do

you want?'

'I am the yellow a**hole of the asphalt,' replied the man in yellow. 'Got

anything to drink?'

The fisherman handed him a can of Coke and quickly drove off. Not

wanting to lose any more time, he put his foot down in an attempt to reach

the lake by lunchtime, but a few miles further down the road he saw a guy

dressed all in blue standing by the side of the road gesturing him to stop.

Frustrated by another delay, the fisherman pulled over, wound down the

window and yelled: 'Let me guess, you're the blue a**hole of the asphalt.

What the hell do you want?'

The man in blue replied: 'Driver's license and registration, please.'

 

contempt

 

PS: wasn't sure if censoring the a-word above was necessary but I did it anyway.

[SDtielvdeo]

Well, Someone with a sense of Humor wouldn't find a "racist" joke so racist to an extent. Well anyway, heres a few non-racist ones >.>

 

 

A sixteen-year old girl goes to her father and asks,

"Daddy, can I borrow your car?"

"Yes. But not before you give me a blow job."

The girl is disgusted but she really wants to use the car.

"All right, Daddy. Whip it out."

Daddy does so. As the girl starts sucking, she stops and is repulsed by

what she tastes.

"Yuk, Daddy! Your dick tastes like shit!"

"I know," he replies. "Your brother asked for the car a half hour ago."

 

 

Your mother-in-law, your wife, and your lawyer are caught in a burning building. What do you do?

-Go to a movie

 

 

Why does an alter boy get good grades?

-Behind every alter boy, is a priest pushing.

 

 

How does a man really know he's in love?

-He divorces his wife.

 

 

What do you do when you see your wife staggering outside the house?

-Shoot her again.

 

 

Why do women have vaginas?

-So men will talk to them.

 

 

Why wasn't Christ born in Italy?

-They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

 

 

What do you do when you cross a Jehnovah's Witness with an atheist?

-Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.

 

 

How do you know God is a man?

-In five billion years, the planets haven't been rearranged.

 

 

"Hey, Gramps," littly Johnny said, "can you imitate a bullfrog?"

"Why do you want to know?" his grandpa asked.

"Cuz Mommy said when you croak, we're all gonna go to Disneyland!"

[contempt]

Like I was saying, some of 'em are hilarious but not suitable for a public forum like this. What you think is OK might be offensive to others. I'm still reading The Mammoth Book and mark the best jokes. With a slightly different wording, your incest joke (sixteen-year-old girl...) is #1181 in my book.

 

28 A woman was having an affair with an inspector from a pest-control

company. One afternoon they were having sex when her husband arrived

home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' she said to her lover. 'Into the closet!'

When the husband reached the bedroom, he spotted two drinking glasses

on the table and immediately became suspicious. He started searching the

room and eventually discovered the man in the closet.

'Who are you?' asked the husband.

'I'm an inspector from Bugzap.'

'What are you doing in there?'

'I'm investigating a complaint regarding an infestation of moths.'

'And where are your clothes?'

The lover looked down at his naked body and said: 'Those little

bastards!'

 

contempt

[HankTheTank]

A sixteen-year old girl goes to her father and asks,

"Daddy, can I borrow your car?"

"Yes. But not before you give me a blow job."

The girl is disgusted but she really wants to use the car.

"All right, Daddy. Whip it out."

Daddy does so. As the girl starts sucking, she stops and is repulsed by

what she tastes.

"Yuk, Daddy! Your dick tastes like shit!"

"I know," he replies. "Your brother asked for the car a half hour ago."

 

incest... f.t.disgustingness >.>

[Matt.]

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.

____________

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”