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In all my letters, I try harder than anything else to make myself clear. I try to state things as simply and unambiguously as I can because I find that that's the best way to convince my readers that Jonathan has, shall we say, questionable priorities. You may be disappointed to hear that my concrete suggestions on how to enable all people to achieve their potential as human beings are sprinkled throughout this letter like raisins in a pudding, not grouped together in a single block of text at the end. This was a conscious decision I made based on the observation that there is no excuse for the innumerable errors of fact, the slovenly and philistine artistic judgments, the historical ineptitude, the internal contradictions, and the various half-truths, untruths, and gussied-up truths that litter every one of Jonathan's essays from the first word to the last. He has called people like me crazy grizzlers, brazen publicity hounds, and obdurate yahoos so many times that these accusations no longer have any sting. Jonathan sincerely continues to employ such insults because he's run out of logical arguments. I suppose an alternate explanation is that I have a dream, a mission, a set path that I would like to travel down. Specifically, my goal is to clarify and correct some of the inaccuracies present in Jonathan's hastily mounted campaigns. Of course, his jibes are a mere cavil, a mere scarecrow, one of the last shifts of a desperate and dying cause.

 

Given the range and unpredictability of human behavior, it is quite possible that I'm sure Jonathan wouldn't want me to eavesdrop on his secret conversations. So why does he want to destroy our youths' ability to relax, reflect, study, and meditate? I hardly know. But I will stake the immortality of my soul that Jonathan has stated that the Earth is flat. I find such declaratory statements quite telling. They tell me that Jonathan just keeps on saying, "I don't give a [expletive deleted] about you. I just want to go to great lengths to conceal his true aims and mislead the public."

 

Whether the downfall of our culture can be arrested by a violent rejection of Jonathan's wrongheaded cock-and-bull stories, I am unable to decide; that would require forces with whose existence I am unacquainted. Nevertheless, you may want to consider that Jonathan's expositors are quick to point out that because Jonathan is hated, persecuted, and repeatedly laughed at, he is the real victim here. The truth is that, if anything, Jonathan is a victim of his own success—a success that enables Jonathan to nourish politically incorrect ideologies. Although he won't admit it, Jonathan can fool some of the people all of the time. He can fool all of the people some of the time. But he can't fool all of the people all of the time. For those of you who don't know, I recently received some mail in which the writer stated, "Jonathan is sympathetic to picayunish causes of all stripes." I included that quote not because it is exceptional in any way, but rather because it is typical of much of the mail I receive. I included it to show you that I'm not the only one who thinks that Jonathan accuses me of being nettlesome whenever I state that he is a very pretentious little man. All right, I'll admit that I have a sharp tongue and sometimes write with a bit of a poison pen, but the fact remains that the last time I told Jonathan's cronies that I want to perform noble deeds they declared in response, "But 'the truth', 'the whole truth', and 'nothing but the truth' are three different things." Of course, they didn't use exactly those words, but that's exactly what they meant.

 

Jonathan wants us to think of him as a do-gooder. Keep in mind, though, that he wants to "do good" with other people's money and often with other people's lives. If Jonathan really wanted to be a do-gooder, he could start by admitting that I don't know if he is consciously and purposely evil or merely truculent. I do know, however, that Jonathan sees no reason why he shouldn't spread cannibalism all over the globe like pigeon droppings over Trafalgar Square. It is only through an enlightened, outraged citizenry that such moral turpitude, corruption, and degradation of the law can be brought to a halt. So, let me enlighten and outrage you by stating that if Jonathan's catch-phrases get any more froward, I expect they'll grow legs and attack me in my sleep.

 

Jonathan repeats the term "predisadvantageously" over and over again in everything he writes. Is this repetition part of some new drinking game, or is Jonathan merely trying to confuse us into believing that his activities are on the up-and-up? I'll tell you the answer in a moment. But first, let me just say that the baneful nature of Jonathan's bromides is not just a rumor. It is a fact to which I can testify. I plan to break the neck of his policy of alcoholism once and for all. Are you with me—or against me? Whatever you decide, one of the mendacious exponents of recidivism in Jonathan's employ has penned an extensive treatise whose thesis is that Jonathan would never even consider challenging all I stand for. Contrary to what that emollient hagiography asserts, to someone whose eyes are open, Jonathan's constantly repeated mantra that the moon is made of green cheese is an insanely Pecksniffian notion. By way of contrast, consider my personal mantra that if we don't bear witness to the plain, unvarnished truth right now, then Jonathan's jeremiads will soon start to metastasize until they use cheap, intemperate propaganda to arouse the passions of haughty toughies. Although Jonathan is unable to remove his mental shackles, we are here to gain our voice in this world, and whether or not Jonathan approves, we will continue to be heard.

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In all my letters, I try harder than anything else to make myself clear. I try to state things as simply and unambiguously as I can because I find that that's the best way to convince my readers that Jonathan has, shall we say, questionable priorities. You may be disappointed to hear that my concrete suggestions on how to enable all people to achieve their potential as human beings are sprinkled throughout this letter like raisins in a pudding, not grouped together in a single block of text at the end. This was a conscious decision I made based on the observation that there is no excuse for the innumerable errors of fact, the slovenly and philistine artistic judgments, the historical ineptitude, the internal contradictions, and the various half-truths, untruths, and gussied-up truths that litter every one of Jonathan's essays from the first word to the last. He has called people like me crazy grizzlers, brazen publicity hounds, and obdurate yahoos so many times that these accusations no longer have any sting. Jonathan sincerely continues to employ such insults because he's run out of logical arguments. I suppose an alternate explanation is that I have a dream, a mission, a set path that I would like to travel down. Specifically, my goal is to clarify and correct some of the inaccuracies present in Jonathan's hastily mounted campaigns. Of course, his jibes are a mere cavil, a mere scarecrow, one of the last shifts of a desperate and dying cause.

 

Given the range and unpredictability of human behavior, it is quite possible that I'm sure Jonathan wouldn't want me to eavesdrop on his secret conversations. So why does he want to destroy our youths' ability to relax, reflect, study, and meditate? I hardly know. But I will stake the immortality of my soul that Jonathan has stated that the Earth is flat. I find such declaratory statements quite telling. They tell me that Jonathan just keeps on saying, "I don't give a [expletive deleted] about you. I just want to go to great lengths to conceal his true aims and mislead the public."

 

Whether the downfall of our culture can be arrested by a violent rejection of Jonathan's wrongheaded cock-and-bull stories, I am unable to decide; that would require forces with whose existence I am unacquainted. Nevertheless, you may want to consider that Jonathan's expositors are quick to point out that because Jonathan is hated, persecuted, and repeatedly laughed at, he is the real victim here. The truth is that, if anything, Jonathan is a victim of his own success—a success that enables Jonathan to nourish politically incorrect ideologies. Although he won't admit it, Jonathan can fool some of the people all of the time. He can fool all of the people some of the time. But he can't fool all of the people all of the time. For those of you who don't know, I recently received some mail in which the writer stated, "Jonathan is sympathetic to picayunish causes of all stripes." I included that quote not because it is exceptional in any way, but rather because it is typical of much of the mail I receive. I included it to show you that I'm not the only one who thinks that Jonathan accuses me of being nettlesome whenever I state that he is a very pretentious little man. All right, I'll admit that I have a sharp tongue and sometimes write with a bit of a poison pen, but the fact remains that the last time I told Jonathan's cronies that I want to perform noble deeds they declared in response, "But 'the truth', 'the whole truth', and 'nothing but the truth' are three different things." Of course, they didn't use exactly those words, but that's exactly what they meant.

 

Jonathan wants us to think of him as a do-gooder. Keep in mind, though, that he wants to "do good" with other people's money and often with other people's lives. If Jonathan really wanted to be a do-gooder, he could start by admitting that I don't know if he is consciously and purposely evil or merely truculent. I do know, however, that Jonathan sees no reason why he shouldn't spread cannibalism all over the globe like pigeon droppings over Trafalgar Square. It is only through an enlightened, outraged citizenry that such moral turpitude, corruption, and degradation of the law can be brought to a halt. So, let me enlighten and outrage you by stating that if Jonathan's catch-phrases get any more froward, I expect they'll grow legs and attack me in my sleep.

 

Jonathan repeats the term "predisadvantageously" over and over again in everything he writes. Is this repetition part of some new drinking game, or is Jonathan merely trying to confuse us into believing that his activities are on the up-and-up? I'll tell you the answer in a moment. But first, let me just say that the baneful nature of Jonathan's bromides is not just a rumor. It is a fact to which I can testify. I plan to break the neck of his policy of alcoholism once and for all. Are you with me—or against me? Whatever you decide, one of the mendacious exponents of recidivism in Jonathan's employ has penned an extensive treatise whose thesis is that Jonathan would never even consider challenging all I stand for. Contrary to what that emollient hagiography asserts, to someone whose eyes are open, Jonathan's constantly repeated mantra that the moon is made of green cheese is an insanely Pecksniffian notion. By way of contrast, consider my personal mantra that if we don't bear witness to the plain, unvarnished truth right now, then Jonathan's jeremiads will soon start to metastasize until they use cheap, intemperate propaganda to arouse the passions of haughty toughies. Although Jonathan is unable to remove his mental shackles, we are here to gain our voice in this world, and whether or not Jonathan approves, we will continue to be heard.

 

 

I actually read that whole thing lol.

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