Pig plague alert: safe sex guide
Cosmopolitan's recent advice on how to avoid copping a dose of pig plague while getting your rocks off - specifically by avoiding the missionary position - prompted the Vulture Central Public Health Bureau to compile an equally nifty cut-out-and-keep guide. Yes indeed, you can't be too careful in these high-risk times, and those of you thinking making the beast with two backs are strongly urged to pay close attention to our half dozen top tips, kicking off with...
1: The Reverse Cowgirl
This is Cosmo's position of choice, avoiding as it does potentially-fatal face-to-face contact. However, there's still a chance of the exchange of airborne particulates, so we recommend.
2: The Frogman
In fact, this is more of a full-body condom with dedicated oxygen supply. Once the deed is done, remember to pass through a decontaminating shower to avoid the risk of later passing any possible infection to the fragile marine ecosystem.
3: That Sinking Feeling
Anyone whose budget doesn't extend to full rubber jackets can still get their end away with this wallet-friendly option: take your partner from behind while her head is immersed in a sinkful of Tamiflu solution.
4: Remote Access
You're a tech-savvy crowd, so try this for size: the net-controlled orgasmatron, aka the iProd, allowing the full remote administration of pleasure from any PC. Handily, the UI looks like an Excel spreadsheet, so you can bring your other half to a shattering climax while your colleagues think you're doing your expenses.
5: Flying Solo
Yup, wait for your colleagues to go to lunch before cracking one off to a Natalie Portman nipslip website. Chance of pig plague infection: 0 per cent.
And finally, might we suggest...
6: The Tiger Woods
Simply get your missus to hit you with a golf club and proceed directly to hospital, where the sterile environment means there's no chance whatsoever of you passing H1N1 to any intimate female friends or paparazzi who might want to visit. Sorted.
